I’m saving the lesson part until tomorrow, because it’s a seriously BIIIGGG topic – filled with possibilities and I’d like to go straight into discussion – so see you tomorrow!
I specially love this part of the clinic, where people are so willing to share their journey. Even though I haven’t heard from everyone yet, I’ve decided to put this up now, so people can start having a read if they want to.
From Catherine with Bumblebee
Melissa’s email really struck a chord with me and got me feeling into some things. I think it was the comment “YOU: “how do those words affect my relationship with Indigo”
ME: Rage is my response to the brutality…panic, constriction in my throat, can’t speak, hard to breathe, helpless, paralysed, hopeless, alone…then…, soft smiling eyes, it melts.
YOU: “I wonder what relevance the emotion around those words has on my ability to create the changes that I want?
ME: I don’t want to get it wrong, do the wrong thing. I often don’t know what to do (working with the horses) …I don’t do anything. It breaks my heart, my reluctance to engage. I stand paralysed in my longing.
Wowzers…that hit home – I know that so well- and the feelings hurt!
I walk every morning at 5.30am on weekdays, and I decided to work on my posture while walking, and once in good posture, look into my own feelings brought up by this.
I felt into why my fear seems to prevent me from riding BB with ease.
The image in my head is him saying” get off me, I will get you off, I don’t want you on my back” and then a vision of me being bucked off to the side.
What came up next was a time sitting astride on my fathers back in the lounge room. He had a friend over with his kids, I think I was about 8, he was doing bucking bull with me on his back, and couldn’t throw me off, so he lay on the floor and was talking to his friend. I was so loving this tie with him, which dint happen very often. He said ‘get off me now, but I didn’t, not right away, as I didn’t want the moment to end. He then got loud and demanded and started to rise from the floor…. I ran…I was gutted, embarrassed in front of the others and I ran to my safe place, in the hay shed, up in the rafters and stayed there sobbing …for what seemed like hours, then came down to do my chores. I haven’t thought of that moment for a long time, but it does come up.
This so fits in with our last email too!
I am not getting much now but have put the intention out there to find the understanding of what I need to know and do about this.
I thank Melissa for her honesty, it is helping me to work out my many layers of suppressed memories.
Next morning walk: a memory of my new horse Dandy. I was about 14 years old and was riding in an indoor arena, show jumping, and my horse began to refuse the jumps, was getting very agitated and reared up…I hopped off, I was upset but more because of the reaction I knew was coming from my riding instructor who was a pocket rocket, loud and very, very old school! She got her eldest daughter ( her mini-me) to get on Dandy in the practice area, and she rode him soo hard, and whipped him so badly, she broke the whip and the whip cut his flesh a little on the big welts….Looking back I realise that I knew there was a NQR moment but didn’t know what to do other than what I was being taught and mentored to do……OMG,I just realised I didn’t do what they did, I got off…and if I could of, I would have walked him out and taken him somewhere away from the crowds for us to calm.
The same emotions come up for every situation or memory -SHAME (the biggest one), anger, frustration, fear. Lack of voice, swallowing it all.
What to know or do about it- well I am doing this clinic, finding my voice, and know to trust my feelings in the moment and not in the thoughts of past memories.
It is incredible that all these threads lead to the same thing- me not having a voice, speaking my truth and being my authentic self.
That has been my doing, so that I fitted in, went unnoticed (by choice), and go above and beyond to do what I was told. I pushed ME down.
I just wanted to write this as just finished my walk, I am now going back out to do a little mirroring game with Bumblebee before I have the grandkids.
Looking forward to tonight.
Me: I’m looking forward to hearing how those insights are contributing to your inner peace now…
I’ve been feeling a bit adrift in this work for the past few days. I’ve been allowing your recent prompt, “What’s stopping us from being on auto-pilot with that open curious, wonder state?” to stay forward in my mind to return to it often – with curiosity 😊
Feelings came up about the draw of other more familiar states, which are more like inquiry and investigation than curiosity and wonder. What stops me from being on auto-pilot is simply the habit of conditioned narrative thinking. Hmmm, well no, that’s not entirely it. Maybe it’s about that it’s a bit of a tender place, not only unfamiliar, but vulnerable & raw, and being there as an auto-pilot function is a bit intense….but not entirely that either. Other thoughts about “maybe it doesn’t always feel safe” (I mean people were killed for pete’s sake, for being too prescient in the olden days). All of these feel true, but not the truth. Then it hit me with a little gasp. It’s about feeling alone. I’m going to stop here because it’s got me feeling, not adrift, but washed up on the banks. I’ll resume after I finish listening to Thursday’s recording. And then I’m going to spend some time with the boys (River, Indigo & Joaquin).
It’s now Sunday, late a.m. my time. I did go spend time with the boys yesterday. Nothing revelatory there, but I noticed my own greater ease with simply being out among them with no agenda, practicing listening with no boundaries. In the wee hours last night, I was awake to hear some more insights. I’m learning a lot about curiosity and wonder in this class, not what I thought I was signing up for, but crucial I think. I began by getting curious about the feeling alone thing. I recognized that curiosity takes courage, when I’m truly listening without inquiry or agenda, (right Quiet Mind), I’m going into uncharted waters. And then I realized that curiosity, and its attendant courage, also require love. As with horses when we ask them to be willing to be o.k. with being a bit afraid or destabilized while learning something new, it’s an entirely different ask when it’s done with love… real palpable energetic love, not sentimental. This is what I’ve learned about my process, about healing, about direct knowing…so far. HA! More will be revealed.
See you in class today/tomorrow. Melissa
Me: Gosh I’m looking forward to hearing the rest of this! I specially liked your description of palpable energetic love – I call it unconditional love – and sentimental love. They’re quite different hey?
The insight I got from my dog – when I watched the video about leading her, the first thing I thought was ” what if I do it wrong and make things worse. ” After a while I realized that was something I heard a lot from my Mum all through my childhood. ” Here I’ll do that. You won’t do it right. ” The message my childhood self got from that was she didn’t believe in me, didn’t have any faith in me. I realize now it was more about her than me. Fear, control or be controlled. Her mother, my grandma , had a dominating personality. I think her father, my great grandfather, was a very dominating person.
Me: Jan’s working her way through how that “what if I do it wrong and make it worse” pattern is showing up elsewhere in her life right now. I asked how much she wanted to share.
Jan: Yes, if you think it will be of benefit for someone else to read it.
I would love to be free from its effects. Change it, heal it, transform it, I have trouble staying in that state of curiosity. I keep sliding back into what I call “defend and justify.” Negative things that …. (name removed to protect the innocent lol!) would say in any given situation keep popping into my head and then I start imagining what I would say in reply, like I’m rehearsing my answer, ready for when it happens in real life. I’ve done it so much for so long, it’s incredibly difficult to stop myself. I usually keep ranting, usually out loud and sometimes at the top of my lungs (thank God we’ve got no near neighbours) until I’ve run out of energy. It’s no wonder I feel tired all the time.
I have just noticed that I’m sitting here with my head tilted to the left and when I straighten it up it wants to tilt again.
Me: Maybe instead of all the mind stuff, you could observe / track the PHYSICAL feelings? Our inner self wants us to get this stuff and sends us all kinds of different ways that create that opportunity.
Jan, I am thrilled that you brought this “rehearsing” our answer thing up. It’s is a WONDERFUL opportunity for all of us to talk about something that is sooo… common.
Me to the whole clinic: I know that making up a story in my head was something I did A LOT OF. Stuff like “if I speak my mind, then he’ll say this and then I’ll do that and then he’ll wriggle out of it by doing this, and then I’ll do that” – all the time feeling crappier and crappier as I imagined the escalation. I can’t remember how I came to understand that this (I call it “making stuff up”) actually risks CREATING the crap that I was rehearsing / making up and sure as heck created circumstances where I’d be feeling those crappy feelings WAAAYYY more than I need to be. And it was a habit of a lifetime, so it took a commitment to noticing to get out of that habit.
I changed it simply by deciding to notice when I did it.
And we have to be gentle on ourselves and not make ourselves wrong. It was a compassionate kind of ” There goes that little girl again, trying to get control of her life.” There’s all kinds of reasons that we got stuck in that pattern – having a vivid imagination is actually one of god’s gorgeous gifts and this “making stuff up” is simply that same gift in overwhelm. Deciding to notice when we’re “making stuff up” is just a simple commitment to ourselves to feel good.
Every now and again I’ll still get a reminder to “watch that one”.
Sue from the bush:
Once again was drawn to simply “be”.
He has never done this licking before, at times he was pushing down hard on me, and it felt like he wanted to bite but was restraining himself. I did redirect him when I felt he was going to bite, and he accepted the redirection well.
He didn’t feel quite so anxious inside this time, accept of course just before a release.
It is interesting… I always work with him at liberty so he is free to leave or not to engage with me, but he always does.
Reflecting after the session I felt that he is building in confidence both in himself, the other horses and me , and we all need to support him in that and help him not to have to bite, kick and push by changing something when we feel him becoming negative and before he has to be extreme.
He still has a need to control and be controlled but as his confidence increases that need is decreasing.
Me to everyone: as you’re watching, notice how gently Sue re-directs Jeri when she gets the feeling that he’s about to bite. It’s kind of tai chi’ey hey? It deals so beautifully with her need to be safe and her desire to not bring up fear in Jeri and thus keep the communication channels open.
How can we apply OUR version of our need to be and feel safe and at the same time do the best for our horse?
I was out with Jeremiha yesterday evening and did some Masterson on him. I am working in the light of a headlamp, so it is a bit hard to see the eye so I feel when to move on another spot. He thinks it fine but he points with his mule towards his back and hind legs. I did some t touch and found that there where to spots without fur on. I did some touches there and around his leg. I have some salva to put on and was drawn to that.
When the weather is going crazy. One day warm, next day very cold, snow and rain it takes a lot of him.
He has had spots like this before but on the front leg, just under the elbow. I don’t know, yet, if it has something with the weather, the spring, changing coat… I am drawn to start give him magnesium and I also got zone therapy.
I did some t touch circles on his pastern and coronet. He stood like a statue and was muzzling me on my head while doing it on his front leg.
I hope to take some pics today and send you.
He have malanders salanders and they say that there are nothing to do about it. They are born with it.
Do I believe that? Hm, no 😊
Me: I know you will have seen these two articles before Anna-Karin, but I’ll put them here for everyone else. They may help with the malanders salanders thing, which I had never heard of!
Yesterday was a mess. Fred was quite happy to investigate a thrown halter on the ground.
Putting the lead rope over his neck was ok, but he freaked out after doing a couple of steps walking forward ,and ran off.
I let go of the rope.
I had another go, and the same thing happened.
This left me feeling a failure, and frustrated.
Later on in the day I went up to him with both halter and lead rope.
I got the “scratch my butt” routine.
Then after a while, he put his nose in the halter, and was fine about me doing it up.
I have had some very definite feels and messages from him.
Being in a halter makes him feel safe because I am in control. We do not need to keep on practising this.
No tools feels ok, because he can choose.
So not wanting a halter on at any given moment is no big deal.
The rope over his neck made him feel unsafe, as no one is in control. Also some memories of times when this went wrong.
Thinking this horse needs fixing makes him “wrong”.
I need to accept him as he is ,at this moment.
I have had an insight into his wiggly walk ,also helped by his “interpreter” Paty, who does animal communication. She asked him if he had any pains on his right side.
He said that what was there has always been there, and it was not painful.
Lusitano horses can be double jointed. I think Fred has hypermobility in his sacroiliac joint ,and he does not have enough muscle on his back end to keep it from wiggling about. This then causes a bit of extra strain, and the soreness that the acupuncture vet Cecilia found.
Fred is also feeling the pressure of the focus on him .I am getting the running off from his food, being behind Nuvem a lot, her holding space for him.
A definite feel of reduced confidence.
I do not want another abscess ,which was what came after the Masterclass a year or two ago.
So I am taking the focus off him.
Me: Wowww. Isn’t that funny I wouldn’t have read that as a mess at all? And since an abscess is pushing something out of the body that it doesn’t want in there, I always think of them as better out than in. I’ll have to reflect on this ❤
I have an insight re Fred which fits with what you’re getting, great subject that we were already going to have tonight. Coincidence? I suspect not! ❤ Love you sunshine and love your willingness to bring things up. It creates space for the limitless possibilities. ❤
Still me, but later: I’ve been doing the curiosity thing about the masterclass and how you’re feeling about it and what’s happening now with you and Fred and how I’ve been feeling about all of that, as it comes up and I’ve come up with some stuff.
Two years ago, I could easily have had a bit of “push” as I was teaching – it stems from over-caring (for want of a better word) that people achieve their goals. It’s such a fine line to walk – and back then I didn’t understand the power that we have to change and influence the things around us and how we can use THAT instead of the “push”.
I’m still exploring that one. How have you been going with your curiosity?
Yes, I remember the “push”. Pressure.
What I was on about re abscesses is this :- extra pressure on Fred created the need for a release, and that came in the form of an abscess.
This may be a result of him not being willing to let go, which is what I am feeling about the present situation.
I have no idea of what is behind this.
He has become more reactive, but that could be due to the effect of nice green grass. I have had this before, he gets to looking for things to get frightened of.
I have had him ok about having a halter on, after a bit of everyone walking around. I asked him for some movements, so that there was a purpose there. But today he ran away from his food because of “something” in the distance.
Yet the one day, he wanted a pretty comprehensive massage and scratching.
I have been busy with all sorts of things, so I have not spent time with the horses in the field.
From Thursday’s recording, the item about anxiety/confusion and not going forwards, with pressure on this getting only more of the same landed for me. Nuvem in particular ,and she is a Caretaker, as well as a “fainter” .Fred too, which I have always taken as a lack of trust.
NH has a lot to answer for. I do wait,(maybe not long enough?) but I will pay more attention to this.
Fred is a follower ,and has a need for direction. He also needs to feel he has a choice ,so there you have the paradox of opposites.
If I want him to do something with me, he may not want to. If I insist, the choice is gone.
This goes for Nuvem too. Vigilante most often wants to do things with me because it involves going out ,also some eating. I am about to do some in hand work with him so he gets more muscle along his back. I have been altering a Wow saddle to my liking for this purpose too, as his Western saddle no longer fits him due to muscle wastage. See attached photos.
Me: Sunshine how much of this do you want to share for the webpage this week?
As much as you want to.
Update:- I have taken the pressure/focus off Fred, and the last three days I have spent time with the horses in the field. There was lots of requests from Fred for scratches ,and Nuvem asking for the same after evening feed. He is back to normal behaviour, feed bin in its usual place. I had the impression everyone was a lot happier with me spending undemanding time with them.
Yesterday Vigilante was ok about doing some in hand work. He likes trotting so long as I run with him, that is great fun. We always go out for some grass afterwards. Today ridden, there was quite a lot of unasked for trot ,so I am assuming he is happy with the new saddle fit, and having less restriction of his shoulder.
Trotting does of course get to grass patches sooner………
Today Nuvem went round me in a circle, without insisting on being close, for the first time ever, in both directions .I stopped her after just one circle, lots of praise. She also walked forwards with the lightest of taps on her backside. We went out for some grass afterwards, but this is out of her comfort zone, and there was both pulling and snatching at grass.
On a personal note, I had some thoughts on the word “reactive”. More family stuff coming up. My mother always thought anything my father wanted had to be done immediately. This was not necessarily the case, so I suspect it was something she had from her father or mother. It meant she was almost permanently stressed when my father was around. I used to hate it when she was saying “coming, coming”, and rushing around. So I am now releasing it, AS IT IS NOT MY STUFF!! I will of course get tests and reminders of letting this go.