I guess you’re not going to be surprised that my experience of Heart Feel and how it developed is totally different to Caroline and Narel and Sue’s. We’re all unique.
Disconnection was my pre-disposition. People used to look at me and the things I coped with in my life and would say “Gosh Jenny’s strong.” Jenny wasn’t strong, there was nobody home.
The back of a horse was one of the few places where I came awake – both to the feeling good AND to the fear and chronic anxiety. I had such chronic pain from the tension caused by working outside of my and Bobby’s Comfort Zone that I used to take 2 Panadeine Forte before I got in the saddle, otherwise the headaches and muscle pain would make it difficult to get out of the saddle.
I remember being a little while into writing Bobby’s Diaries and suddenly noticing that the rock of dread that had been sitting in my solar plexus for as long as I can remember – was gone. Unbenown to me back then, it was my first experience of following my inner guidance system.
Mental Feel was the first of my natural talents that I noticed – the thoughts and ideas that came into my head that were Bobby communicating with me that I wrote down in my notebooks that eventually became Bobby’s Diaries. So it’s not surprising that my Heart Feel unfolded through my Mental Feel.
And it started with my desire to be REALLY good with horses.
Then I met Caroline and envied that incredible ease with horses that she so quickly developed as she brought her Heart Feel back into balance. But here’s the warning for you – I got into hot water with my Feel when I tried to copy her. Copying someone else’s Feel doesn’t work, no matter how much we admire them.
Blame and judgement were my familiars. That’s not at all surprising when you know the violence of my background – what’s not to blame some horrible person for constant violence against you? What’s not to judge when we see that happening elsewhere? I didn’t even notice how much the feelings of anger and fear and rage were hurting me, because I spent so much time disconnected.
I envied people like Caroline whose horses and other animals just turned over to them effortlessly and I wanted that. Wanting to … eliminate blame and judgement isn’t the right way to express it… I became aware that blame and judgment weren’t just getting in the way of my constant desire to be more and more really good with horses, they were also coming up in other relationships over and over again. Like Narel’s experience with random attacks, I was attracting more crappy relationships to feel crappy about.
Just as examples, I’d be sick of feeling crappy with my son in law, so I’d go looking to clean up my feelings around it. I felt deeply betrayed by a friend and that took quite a bit of cleaning up until I felt peaceful and openhearted about it. And each time I’d get to the point of peacefulness with myself through healing work, I’d feel this physical pulling feeling across heart as my heart chakra opened and a sense of rightness that came with that peacefulness. And each time I cleaned something up and got to an ahhaa moment, it seemed to be a bit easier the next time.
My Heart Feel started unfolding more rapidly when I recognized what I wanted and made a conscious decision that I wanted it. And (not surprisingly in hindsight) it unfolded through working with the natural strength of my Mental Feel.
I look for the Truth about what’s happening. What’s REALLY going on here? What’s the REAL cause of this crappy behavior or crappy situation? I used to make this far too complicated with questions and mulling over things – a bit like a dog worrying at a bone.
These days my Heart Feel tends to run on auto pilot around a lot of life, but not everything. When I notice I’m not being Present, not being aware of the truth – not being aware of what’s REALLY going on here, I just set my intention to look for the Big Picture Truth behind whatever it looks like or feels like on the surface.
If the answer doesn’t float up straight away, I just smile and know it’s going to flow when I’m ready – when the ducks are in a row, when the Universe sends me more information – whatever.
And I create plenty of opportunities for those answers to float up by spending Quiet Mind time around my horses, by sitting on my vaulting horse Magic being deeply aware of what’s going on my body, by meditating in my armchair – which can be confused with a Nanna nap except for the ahhhaa moments that come out of it! lol!
AND those answers do float up – reliably. It’s interesting to note that my answers are more often about me than they are about the person whose crappy behavior was problematic…
AND very often the ahaa moments will happen while I’m doing something or reading something. There was a long period of time, when my ahaa moments were prompted by walking out in the bush. I guess it’s my Mental Feel at work that when I’m creating /writing – I’ll actually write something that I didn’t consciously know and that will prompt an ahhaaa moment all by itself.
And last but not least, my ahaa moments always seem to bring more heart opening with their peacefulness and sometimes euphoria.