We four teachers here, wrote about how we experienced our Heart Feel and how we found the balanced centre of it, for a horse master class a bit over a year ago. This is Narel’s contribution. When I read it, I realized that it was much more about the part we play in seemingly random patterns of even awful stuff that happens to us – and resolving that – than it was about her stepping in to Heart Feel.
See if you can pick the point at which she started stepping into the energy at the heart of the paradox, regularly.
For me my journey to finding my Heart Feel has happened via my workplace and it presenting an opportunity in disguise for me to heal past, long buried trauma.
For a little background, I had an early trauma in life, then going forward, over a number of years I was at the receiving end of a number of very random, unexpected physical assaults by complete strangers – it seemed I was attracting these into my energy field in the most bizarre regular ways.
Further along, I now work with very medicated and often emotionally unstable patients as an administrative officer in a hospital pain clinic. I was magnetically drawn to the job almost 6 years ago, my intuition has always been pretty on point, so I took the job knowing I was there for an important reason to be in this high pressure, very busy environment.
Before too long I was finding myself in frequent situations of not coping with rapidly escalating emotions of patients, where I would end up going into my past patterning of throwing up my walls, mentally checking out and shutting down, with the patient hurling abuse at me, and then taking forever to recover from each episode.
A particularly nasty episode had me sent off to the work counselor and when going through my history she wanted to know all sorts of things. I told her “I am not here about my past, just about my work”, to which she replied “well you can’t separate it out now, if you want to heal this now, you have to go back and heal the past – it is all related and layered. Right now your nervous system and response to situations threshold is already right up here (holding her hand up) compared to a person without your history, so when a tough situation happens, you don’t have far to go before you check out and lose it, compared to a person without your history who can cope with it”.
So faced with trying to find another good solid job in a country area, with a family of 6 to support jointly with my husband, along with weighing up the pros and cons of leaving my job and fabulous work colleagues I decided it was time I went there. With her experience and approach she was a fit for me as a counselor.
A previous counselor had made the past issues a lot worse for me as we were not compatible in the approach so I had dismissed the idea of “cleaning the past up”.
Once I began to heal with her guidance, I could feel myself remaining present to observing patients’ escalations. And via being able to be present, and grounded, I found I had soon settled into my heart space. Once that had happened I noticed that these situations just stopped happening in frequency. I could then feel things way sooner than when they had already escalated so I could act sooner from my heart space and head things into a more positive direction. My empathy is higher and I feel of true service, loving being there and giving love to people who really need it.
Jenny asked me to talk about how this relates to being with my horses.
I also have had a trauma with a severe horse riding accident that fractured my spine, and it took many years before I would not “check out” when things started to escalate with my horses too, until one day I just realised it had stopped after working through things with Jenny’s fright imprint release work. That has been a long journey but very different for me than with the story I just told.
I have never shut myself down around my horses when they escalated unless I was on their back, but I could always get off when I felt myself leaving mentally. On the ground I could get present with them and this I could not do at all with humans.
I believe the horses have been traveling alongside me somewhat reflecting back at me what was glaringly obvious in the rest of my life – until the two has all merged now into one very lovely heart space to be in.
I only last year got back into riding after a long time off and had to work on my mindset to go there but felt very present even when my horse was spooked or something unexpected happened.
What a gift we have just waiting for us, readily available when we dare to go there.
Jenny: Thank you so much for sharing this Narel.
Did you notice the many times that Narel stepped into the energy of the paradox?
Did you realize that the horrible event at work was the opportunity in disguise to address something that had been hurting her for many many years? In my experience, we don’t have to push at difficult old stuff to resolve them, the opportunities come along in many different guises when we’re ready.
Email me if this brings up something that you need to talk about. There’s many different ways to address a trauma and it doesn’t always involve talking about it and it certainly doesn’t mean you have to re-live it.
And the understanding of the rightness behind the wrongness ALWAYS feels good .