Trust is a bullshit word that annoys the heck out of me the way most people use it.
One of the largest responses that I got to a recent survey of people’s goals with their horses was about trust. People wanted their horse to trust them and wanted to be able to trust their horse.
So here’s an audio lesson about how to get REAL trust with your horse
There’s a written version of the audio below for our friends who have English as a second language. 🙂
Here’s an alternate recording of Trust & the truth about it
That deep, all the way to your bones trust that I talk about is what you’ll develop on Fast Track to Brilliant Riding – it’s sooo… worth a look here…
WRITTEN VERSION OF THE AUDIO
There are two vastly different things meant by people when they talk about trust. The meanings are sooo… vastly different that they really should be two completely different words.
One kind of trust is the kind that says “trust me – even though you are afraid, blindly deny your own screaming instincts and do what I say anyway”.
Crikey, we’ve all been there haven’t we – put THAT kind of trust in someone or something, only to have gotten hurt. In fact, in hindsight, EVERY time I have been hurt, this kind of trust, this kind of ignoring of my fear has been at the bottom of it.
The other kind of trust is something so deep, so confident, so knowing all the way to your bones that you are safe with that horse or that person or in that place that it wouldn’t even occur to you to think about it as trust.
And this all the way to your bones trust is the only sort that I am interested in having.
So how do we get THAT kind of trust?
We get that all the way to your bones kind of deep confidence by committing to ourselves and our horse to listen to every fear and every tiny early warning signal that something is Not Quite Right – by committing to ourselves and our horse to take some kind of action EVERY SINGLE TIME, to have a feeling of safety with each other. That feeling of safety that will bring peacefulness or happiness back again.
We get that all the way to our bones trust between us and our horse by making a commitment to that kind of confidence in each other, by making a commitment to listen to each other and to take action to change something to make us feel safe again – EVERY TIME WE OR OUR HORSE ARE AFRAID.
So it’s interesting isn’t it – that the kind of trust I WANT, the kind of bond that I want, the kind of soul mate relationship that I want – is got by ignoring the OTHER, blind, ignoring kind of trust and listening and taking whatever action it takes to make me and my horse feel deeply and meaningfully safe.
Enjoy noticing the difference between those two vastly different types of trust and know that every fear and every early warning signal that something is Not Quite Right – is another opportunity for happiness for you and your horse. And hey, whatever activities we do with our horse – that’s the feeling we are looking for hey?
That deep, all the way to your bones trust that I talk about is what you’ll develop on Fast Track to Brilliant Riding – it’s sooo… worth a look here…
Thanks Jenny for writing, “I think horses are a bit like Buddhists Christina. The Buddhists actually consider forgiveness a sin… Because to forgive is to imply blame in the first place. ” I have never heard this about Buddhism. It’s a lovely concept and yes, it does seem to fit the attitude of horses. I am always deeply touched by their generosity, although they do in some cases hold a grudge – but only with good reason (justification) to do so.
Yes it seems a contradiction Pat, doesn’t it, that they are sooo… generous and yet it seems like they CAN hold a grudge sometimes. I have a theory that they only hold a grudge for as long as it takes the person to “get it” and then they drop it just about instantly. That’s been my observation of their generosity anyway! 🙂
LOVED your post, it is so TRUE!
There was a joke going around where I live, if someone says to you “Trust Me” it means “F_ _ _ (bad word) You” in Los Angeles, CA. I think that may be true!
I have a rescue horse that has some fear/spooking issues, when he’s afraid, he will stop dead in his tracks and will not move. Here’s a little background about where we are riding. It’s a dressage arena, right next to a big cemented riverbed and has asphalt roads on both sides of it. Runners, bicyclers, motor bikes, skateboards and other horses use it as an exercise trail, so there is constant commotion next to us.
I had a fall from another horse, that did a spin and run. So. . . despite my best efforts, when my horse gets tense, I get tense, making him even MORE tense. . . . well, you see where I’m going with this. I’m eternally grateful that he doesn’t spin and run, but instead chooses to stand still like a statue, head up, ears forward. I feel like he is protecting me by facing his/our fear and refusing to move till it’s safe. We’ve worked out a system that seems to be working very well. when he stops, I let him stand, with the reins completely loose on his neck, as long as he likes. Eventually, he will exhale a deep breath, lower his head and walk on. When he moves forward sometimes it’s only a few steps and he’ll stop again. As a child, when I took lessons, our instructor would have us perform various stretching exercises to loosen up and now I realize it was to relax us as well. From horseback, we would lightly touch the horse’s poll (between his ears) with the right hand and touch the top of the his tail with the left hand, then do the same thing switching to opposite hands. Also we would do right hand to left toe and left hand to right toe. (I’m riding in a bareback pad, so I don’t do those without a saddle) Recently, I’ve noticed that when I get to the “top of the tail” touch and these are VERY light touches, he relaxes and moves forward. I’m thinking we are learning to trust each other, using the exercises to relax and distract us. What do you think?
I LOVE the Buddist, Zen idea about horses, my horse is SO like that!
The other day he said something like this to me: “Woman who gives carrot or grass rewards at the end of the ride, will live to ride another day” He does love to eat. . . . . the way to his heart is through his stomach! LOL
You’are doing a good job, Jill, by sitting and waiting until he feels safer before he moves forward. I describe just such an incident in Bobby’s Diaries – Straight From the Horse’s Mouth to You, where Bobby was telling me to do exactly as you are doing.
The other thing that will help you is to know that fear and the tension from it, is cumulative. That is, each unacted on, that we couldn’t do anything about, old buried fear from way back in our lives and from way back in our past – intensifies and makes bigger any feelings of fear that we may experience now. That’s why the bonus lesson in The Six Keys to Happiness with Your Horse – the one showing you how to release old, buried fears and trauma – has such far reaching positive effects. So go back and review that lesson. Give me a yell if you haven’t got it any more and I will resend it.
When you are doing those lovely touches on his tail you are probably calling his attention back to you. We have a lesson in the on line course called “Pay attention to me so that I can keep you safe”. We start that game in every day life out in the paddock before we even put a halter on, so that it is second nature by the time we get to being on their back. It’s a very gentle game – NOT about making them jump to attention and salute, but just wanting them to be aware of where you and what you are doing at all times – kind of like staying checked in with you.
The only thing about what you are doing when you reach back towards his tail when he is distracted by something he could be afraid of, is that your seat in the saddle or on his back is being severely compromised and if he did jump at that point, you are very unlikely to stay on in that position.
Also in the on line course From Your Horse’s Heart, I have in there an incredibly powerful lesson about releasing the fright imprints from old falls. When we are in a state of fear when we get a blow to our body, then we get what I call a “fright imprint”. It’s like this state of unresolved tension in our bodies – kind of like our bodies are tense in case of another impact. And THOSE tensions are cumulative too, the tension from each fall adding on to the next. THAT is the state of tension that you describe. I feel another blog coming on!
Hmmm… I can hear in this reply how much I am promoting that course – but the thing is, that I reckon it’s the best thing since saddles were invented (smiling here)- the range of things we cover and the power of the healing in it is huge – so I cannot help but see solutions for you in it!
Normally I would agree about the touching the tail thing, however, he’s a VERY small horse 14.2 and it’s a pretty short distance to his tail so it doesn’t compromise my seat, I can reach back easily without leaning. If he was 16+ hands I might not use that approach. Also the arena has soft dirt and it’s not that far to fall. It’s my way of giving him MY trust that he won’t move suddenly and hurt me. He’s been very careful, I told him if I got hurt I wouldn’t be able to bring his carrots everyday.
I will re-read the Six Keys to Happiness, I’m sure I still have them. Somehow I missed the From Your Horse’s Heart course (probably was busy and didn’t read the email) so I just signed up! Can’t wait!
Thank you for your wonderful response to my post!
Warm Regards,
Jill
Welcome to the course Jill. I know you are going to love it!
Dear Jenny, thanks for this post. I have not been reading your material for a while. I couldn’t find the resonation I had first when having been introduced to you ‘Six Keys etc…..’ I am sure it has something to do with the period of transformation in me and nothing with your writings. This piece of writing touches the core of every living being. Perhaps humans in the most conscious manner. What do you think. Take care, Geerteke
I think what you might have felt was a holding back in me, Geerteke and now I have stepped up and everything that I do – clinics, on line course, blog etc resonates with who I am – funny that hey? You nailed it – all the mental and emotional side of my horse work, could be as easily about relationships with people – that’s why happiness with the horses expands into the rest of our lives too.
Hmmm it feels a bit silly to reply to my own reply – but I suddenly realised this morning that I might have sounded mysterious. No mystery really – just that I am bringing the “healer” and the empowerment of my healing work, very clearly into ALL aspects of my work now and that ALL facets of me – the healer, the teacher, the horse listener, she who is taught by horses – ALL of that is now coming into ALL of everything that I do in a practical sense on the courses, clinics etc. I think THAT is the difference you feel. It’s the unspoken that we feel strongest!
Absolutely, positively spot on! And WHY do I keep forgetting it?
Recently I started cow work with Xino, gently introducing him to three small cows with a cowboy trainer guiding us, following them, stopping when they did, walking on when they did. After four two-hour sessions, I figured we were ready to do more — cow sorting! While he did settle down “quite well” in the end, he was still quite lively if the cows did something he didn’t expect, but would follow and even chase them when asked.
But I thought to myself that something wasn’t “quite right” about it all. I pushed him to do it in spite of himself, and I realized that afterwards and have decided to go find myself some cows that I can work on my own timeframe, OUR own timeframe, and not be concerned about how long I may be taking to approach the cows — you just can’t do that when sorting!
So thank you for reminding me about this absolutely vital point. Even though everything came out right for us in the end, I’m not proud of the way I approached it, and I have almost certainly lost any trust I may have had.
Forgive me, Xino.
Christina
I think horses are a bit like Buddhists Christina. The Buddhists actually consider forgiveness a sin… Because to forgive is to imply blame in the first place. I have always thought horses like that too. They don’t care that we made a mistake – they just care that we fix it. Very zen-like!