Understanding what I call escalating upsets and their opposite, being able to DE-escalate upsets, is at the heart of a much more peaceful and happy life.
In our normal everyday connection to others, our unspoken words and the energy behind them if we’re upset, has an impact much greater than the spoken word and more damaging, because the people on the other end usually have no idea why they’re feeling so crappy.
The diagram in this picture shows the escalation that happened in a real situation with Fred and his lady friend who rang him for advice about her horse, but who was probably feeling too vulnerable to admit that she had a big problem developing.
Fred was trying to be a good friend by speaking supportive words, when he was actually annoyed that she kept ringing him for advice but didn’t ever take it and he was very worried about this nice horse who he saw could end up in a can of dog food for no fault of his own.
If you read the diagram at the top of the page from the bottom left hand corner and follow the arrows to the top, you’ll see how the escalation of feelings happened. If you’re on a phone and that’s not clear enough to read easily, then there’s a longer written explanation on this page.
In the next page we’ll talk about what it takes to DE-escalate – which is even more important!