Let’s talk about why this is such a big deal. We’ve been talking about the sheer power for change that is Heart Anger. We’ve talked about how what we believe actually creates our reality like young Sara’s dog and cat story. We’ve talked about escalating upsets – how our connection to others enables us to understand what they’re feeling and what’s going on behind their upset or behavior and how that can help us create something new and change the things that we care about. We talked about how even the assholes with the biggest of assholeries have something for us if we’re willing to notice it.
Then we come to the really toxic relationships. The ones that have you tied up in knots, filled with dread, gnashing your teeth in overwhelm and/or flipping in and out of rage.
Our life and the world around us is transformed by understanding these difficult relationships. I’ll go so far as to say that when you nail this one, you’ve got the world in your hot little hands. These really problematic relationships are the key to our ability to flow through our own change places more easily. That’s the same changes that have to happen in order for US to change what WE care most about and for US to create something different or change the things we care about. We’re going to check out the truth or not of that for ourselves in a moment.
By the time a relationship has gone toxic, there’s some really big feelings floating around and layers of crap building that escalation, so we’re going to come at this in two ways today. Firstly with a supported exercise, then with a suggestion to break any habit that’s been created.
Let’s get started.
Pay gentle attention to your outward breath for a few breaths.
That’s it… feel me smiling, reading sloooowwww…. and at the same time notice the way that the lower part of your ribs move on that outward breath – the way that the ribs just kind of squash the air from your lungs. And you’re not doing that on purpose, you’re just smiling a little bit and noticing for a breath…
… and another breath…
… and another breath…
Still with your gentle attention on your outward breath, notice what changes on the inside of you when you smile with your eyes just a little. Ahhh even after all these exercises, you can still feel the ease of the smile hey? And if you can’t smile even a little on this subject, put a pen between your teeth. Then notice the effect of that smileyness for a breath.
… and another breath…
… and another…
Hmmm we’re getting more familiar with that lovely feeling of inner awareness now. Smiling just a little and feeling your breathing.
Let’s start this with “Is it really true that your own life, your own goals, your own dreams and moving easily through your own change places is transformed by understanding this difficult relationship? Are you curious to know if that’s true?
Sit with that curiosity for a few outward breaths.
and another breath…
Still with your gentle attention on your outward breath, are you willing to understand this relationship that contains so many possibilities for your own creating? Don’t worry about how the heck you’re going to manage an understanding – you’re just looking for willingness, nothing else. What does willingness feel like?
Allow your attention to wander over your body as you notice what willingness feels like.
You’ve got the Magic Questions tucked in the back of your mind as you allow your attention to wander over your body, feeling your version of the soft smileyness of that conscious willingness to understand this relationship, that will transform your life.
This may be the place to stop for today and soak up the magic of that willingness to understand. And if it is time to stop, skip to the bottom of the page for the habit busting suggestion.
Or if you’ve done this page before, it may be time for the next step.
With our attention still gently on our breath, in this beautiful place of awareness that we’re getting familiar with, can we expand this openness and willingness and curiosity to understand ourselves and others?
And another outward breath…
And another.
Whether the understanding flows now.
Or later, doesn’t matter.
Knowing that we’ve set the process of understanding this other person in motion and that the understanding will come when the time is perfect and the gifts this will bring to your own life are perfect too.
Ahhhh and smiling for just another breath…
and another breath…
and another. Smiling a little and breathing, knowing that you’ve set the process of understanding in motion for yourself and the other in this relationship.
Now to the habit busting follow up. Whenever this difficult relationship comes into your mind, pause, smile a little, drop into awareness of your outward breath and be curious about whatever feeling pops up. No special effort, no big deal – just noticing and bringing curiosity to it. You’ll find that the time involved in doing that will drop down to mere seconds and even less than that.
You can do your version of either of these exercises every time something comes up about this difficult relationship, or if it’s too big to face by yourself or you’re in a hurry, come join one of our Live Events and put your hand up! 🙂
I’ve opened up comments for questions, sharing experiences and to wrap you up with love while you attend to this thing that means so much to you.
This photo was taken by my dear friend Dianne Leitch. Dogs and cats can have crappy relationships or they can have gorgeous ones like these two who live in understanding and harmony. I don’t think I need to explain why I chose this photo do I?
This is a good time to remind you. There’s some biiiiggg healing involved in these experiences, so if you pause reading while you’re processing that healing, bookmark your page using your favorites. If you ever lose your place, “contact” in the menu at the top of every page will find me. Email and I’ll send you something that will help you to find your place again.